Only 32 days....

I am getting so very very very excited! Only 32 days to go (technically 31) until I will be an official married lady! So excited about marrying Heather, seeing family, time with friends, and just having a fun weekend filled with love and of non-stop amazing activities...followed by a gorgeous honeymoon.

The waiting is probably the hardest part. To know me is to know that I'm an instant gratification kind of girl. I just can't help it. Tell me you have a surprise for me? I'll guess and ask questions and then read your facial expressions until I figure it out. I swear that I would make a GREAT member of the FBI. Not sure if this means I'm a super sleuth or if I just make friends with people who are really really bad liars. I'd like to think that I got it genetically from my parents, who could always catch me in a lie when I was a kid. "No, I didn't jump into our neighbors pool, fully clothed. I fell in."

These days, I still can't lie. My feelings, as hard as I sometimes try to hide them, are out there on my sleeve for the whole world to see. When I am hurt, there they are. When I am happy, there they are. It seems that it works better to just be honest about how I feel. It's less complicated and leads to less passive agressive snarky resentfulness....you all know what I'm talking about, don't even try to pretend you don't know how to play the "silent treatment game" or "guess why I'm pissed at you trivia. I stopped that stuff a while ago, but during times like the present, I sometimes wish that I could be cool as a cucumber or at least try to fake it.

Instead, I'm frantic. At work. At home. With friends. While trying to fall asleep. I've got some health issues. I'm up to 8 pills a day. Not many, all things considered. Well, unless you are like me, and have no natural ability at being awesome at swallowing humongous pills. You know, it's not really the pills. It's the crazy day at work. The overtime. The person that yelled at me on the phone. The pile on my desk. The phone that won't stop ringing. Trying to make wedding related calls on my lunch break and up pulls an ambulance with bells and whistles. Then, coming home exhausted, and seeing this ginormous gargantuan white powdery pill. Really, who the hell came up with this and thought it was a good idea? Swallowing items as big as my pinkie finger? Is that approved by the FDA filed under "Swallowing large objects"? It's just always that last little thing that makes me start worrying and once I start worrying, I'm likely to just worry about everything... you know, while I'm at it already....why not? Mole hills become mountains. I cry over spilled milk.

It's trying to not second guess the plans we've made and what napkins, plates, cakes, dress, etc. Really? I wish I didn't care so much and that the planning part of this was done. But is it weird that a strange little part of me loves to be this busy, thrives on this stress, and is really excited about having something so amazing to look forward to for so long? Ah, it's the perfectionist in me that just won't let the image in my head fall to the wayside. I know that at some point, I'll just have to let things be and worry about what really matters most to me: marrying the love of my life.

I find comfort in the fact that the biggest worry in my life right now is how the centerpieces will look, if people will enjoy the music, the food. Not once has a shred of doubt crossed my mind regarding my committment to Heather and our life together. From a worrywart like me, having something in my life that encourages NO sense of worry, is in itself, a phenomenon. That makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world and it kind of makes the napkins and music seem a little silly. But not silly enough for me to stop worrying about it, at least not in the present moment. :) I think the worrying is just a way to occupy my mind and focus on what can be done now, in the present, to satisfy my instant gratification addition, while waiting for the day that I know will change my life forever. :) And thus the cycle starts again....

What the heck.....

I've seen so much hate in the news and online lately regarding the possibility of same sex marriage being legalized. While there are militant members of any subgroup of people, I believe most of us are people who are trying to love, be loved, and make a small imprint on the world. We all just want to be understood, accepted, and feel "normal". Some of us are born "different". I have brown hair. I have hazel eyes. They might be different than yours; but that doesn't mean mine are better or lesser than yours. Our differences are what make us unique, special, and a more valuable piece of the larger group.

I believe that the fight to maintain that all people should have the right to marry is a valid and important fight. Our nation should fight for all of it's people and uphold ALL rights, not just those of the wealthy, the heterosexual. Allowing gay people to marry does nothing to devalue the love that people share when united in heterosexual marriage, but solidifies that it still maintains importance and is supported by so many people in this country. How about "We believe so much in marriage and in it's value that we want to give you this blessing and celebrate it with you....." instead of "ewww, you homos getting married makes me sick". Let's grow up a little here.

It made me think.....How many people stood at their heterosexual wedding, in front of gay friends.... and married the love of their life while knowing that their friends couldn't do what they were doing? Did these gay guests speak out about how unfair it was? Did they decide to "not attend" because they didn't think it was "right"? Or did they show up, wish the best of luck, dance the night away, and feel a bit happy, yet envious about the beauty of the wedding?

We're all just people, folks. We all bleed. We all have priorities. We all have families. We all have the ability to love. Why not choose it over hate and acceptance over ignorance? I work in a field where people are alive one day and gone the next. Why spend life so worried about who someone else is in love with, who someone else is marrying, who someone else kisses goodnight? Our lives are already too short. We already don't have enough time. Any day could be our last. On your last day, do you want to be celebrating your life and what personally makes you HAPPY or feeling as though other people have done you wrong by enjoying LOVE in their lives.