I am getting so very very very excited! Only 32 days to go (technically 31) until I will be an official married lady! So excited about marrying Heather, seeing family, time with friends, and just having a fun weekend filled with love and of non-stop amazing activities...followed by a gorgeous honeymoon.
The waiting is probably the hardest part. To know me is to know that I'm an instant gratification kind of girl. I just can't help it. Tell me you have a surprise for me? I'll guess and ask questions and then read your facial expressions until I figure it out. I swear that I would make a GREAT member of the FBI. Not sure if this means I'm a super sleuth or if I just make friends with people who are really really bad liars. I'd like to think that I got it genetically from my parents, who could always catch me in a lie when I was a kid. "No, I didn't jump into our neighbors pool, fully clothed. I fell in."
These days, I still can't lie. My feelings, as hard as I sometimes try to hide them, are out there on my sleeve for the whole world to see. When I am hurt, there they are. When I am happy, there they are. It seems that it works better to just be honest about how I feel. It's less complicated and leads to less passive agressive snarky resentfulness....you all know what I'm talking about, don't even try to pretend you don't know how to play the "silent treatment game" or "guess why I'm pissed at you trivia. I stopped that stuff a while ago, but during times like the present, I sometimes wish that I could be cool as a cucumber or at least try to fake it.
Instead, I'm frantic. At work. At home. With friends. While trying to fall asleep. I've got some health issues. I'm up to 8 pills a day. Not many, all things considered. Well, unless you are like me, and have no natural ability at being awesome at swallowing humongous pills. You know, it's not really the pills. It's the crazy day at work. The overtime. The person that yelled at me on the phone. The pile on my desk. The phone that won't stop ringing. Trying to make wedding related calls on my lunch break and up pulls an ambulance with bells and whistles. Then, coming home exhausted, and seeing this ginormous gargantuan white powdery pill. Really, who the hell came up with this and thought it was a good idea? Swallowing items as big as my pinkie finger? Is that approved by the FDA filed under "Swallowing large objects"? It's just always that last little thing that makes me start worrying and once I start worrying, I'm likely to just worry about everything... you know, while I'm at it already....why not? Mole hills become mountains. I cry over spilled milk.
It's trying to not second guess the plans we've made and what napkins, plates, cakes, dress, etc. Really? I wish I didn't care so much and that the planning part of this was done. But is it weird that a strange little part of me loves to be this busy, thrives on this stress, and is really excited about having something so amazing to look forward to for so long? Ah, it's the perfectionist in me that just won't let the image in my head fall to the wayside. I know that at some point, I'll just have to let things be and worry about what really matters most to me: marrying the love of my life.
I find comfort in the fact that the biggest worry in my life right now is how the centerpieces will look, if people will enjoy the music, the food. Not once has a shred of doubt crossed my mind regarding my committment to Heather and our life together. From a worrywart like me, having something in my life that encourages NO sense of worry, is in itself, a phenomenon. That makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world and it kind of makes the napkins and music seem a little silly. But not silly enough for me to stop worrying about it, at least not in the present moment. :) I think the worrying is just a way to occupy my mind and focus on what can be done now, in the present, to satisfy my instant gratification addition, while waiting for the day that I know will change my life forever. :) And thus the cycle starts again....
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